“Fortunately, he (Rory) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.”

“That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.”

“I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn’t be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife.”

“They don’t do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding onto a really big collection of gas for a week. It’s like having my buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on Wednesday, and surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton Head.”

Jim Furyk’s swing – “It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”

“He’s (Luke Donald) a bloody walking ATM. I slid my AmEx between the cheeks of his arse and out popped $500.”

Describing VJ’s prodigious practice regime – “VJ hits more balls than Elton John’s chin.”

“That’s a great shot with that swing.”

“It’s OK – the bunker stopped it.”

At Augusta 2011 – “It’s just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it.”

“That was a great shot – if they’d put the pin there today.”

“Everything moves except his bowels.”

“Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.”

“That green appears smaller than a Pygmie’s nipple”.